Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse

Fundamentalist Home School Curriculum Guide for Beowulf

via TNH

I especially liked this part:

Later in the story Beowulf killed Grendel's mother also.

And that's it about Grendel's mother. The whole thing reads like a poorly rendered 10th grade report until you get to the section "Who Wrote Beowulf?" Then the fun begins.

Why, then, do so many literature critics say that Beowulf is fiction? It is because they do not believe that dinosaur creatures lived at the same time men lived. Their evolutionary worldview says that dinosaurs lived long ages before men evolved on the earth. Therefore, in their minds, this all must be fiction. But with a Biblical worldview, we can see that dinosaurs entered the ark with Noah—land species at least—and they lived on the earth again after the Flood. But the post-Flood earth was not so hospitable to large creatures and they eventually became almost extinct.

See what we miss out on when we insist on scholarly exegesis and research instead of just making crap up?

What if...

...Microsoft applied its intuitive grasp of design to marketing?

YBF&H 19

Of course I'm going to buy this.

But I came across this quote from a review by Gary Wolfe of the latest YBF&H that made me wonder what series he's been reading. From Locus Online:

Gary K. Wolfe reviews the book (and three other year's best fantasy anthologies) in the upcoming September issue of Locus Magazine, exploring the shift in the fantasy selections since Link and Grant took over for Terri Windling three years ago: "But if a veteran horror reader might find much that's familiar in Datlow's selections - though they'd look in vain for vampires and werewolves - a fantasy reader coming from the world of dragon-riddled trilogies and whimsical lawn-gnome fiction might be thoroughly disoriented by Link & Grant's eclectic choices, in which dysfunctional families are far more likely to take center stage than sword-wielding heroes."

Now I have read through only five of the 19 collections, but I don't recall EVER having seen a sword-wielding hero in YBF&H. So you all tell me, which ones did I miss? Perhaps early editions that I've not read because, well, good luck finding them? Grant's and Link's choices certainly have steered away from the "mythic," if you will, but I don't remember a sword or a "whimsical lawn gnome" among Windling's choices.

Again, what am I missing?

Collapse?

So as soon as I tout the Reds' winning home and road records, they proceed to lose five in a row and blow that assertion out of the water. Of course.

I'm not that disappointed, actually. (No, really). I predicted the Reds for third in the Central, and it looks like second will be theirs without much contest. That, friends, is an amazing turnaround, especially considering the lineup and bullpen assembled from spare parts and duct tape they've been trotting out there all year.

Three things needed before the Reds can seriously challenge for the playoffs:

1. A #1 stopper. Aaron Harang has proven himself as a reliable starter, and has been the Reds most consistent pitcher. But he is not "the guy," the one you send out there every fifth day without reservation to shut down the opposing team. Not yet. He may yet be that pitcher, and I hope so. But if the Reds want to make serious run next year, they need to have a real #1.
2. A deep bullpen. The pillars of the future bullpen are in place in Coffey and Bray. But the distinguishing feature of every good Reds team since the dawn of time has been a good bullpen. They didn't call Sparky Anderson Captain Hook because of his hands, and the Big Red Machine certainly didn't get by on its starting pitching. The '90 Reds had Jose Rijo, Tom Browning, Jack Armstrong and Danny Jackson--not exactly Smoltz, Glavine and Maddux, folks. That team won because of the Nasty Boys. We need that.
3. Someone to carry the load. Last year, the Braves made the playoffs because Andruw Jones put that team on his back and carried them into August, when they finally got back a slew of injured players. The Cardinals have survived their '06 funk because of Albert Pujols. The Phillies--the @&#%! Phillies--are just half a game out of the playoff hunt because of Ryan Howard. The Reds have hitters galore, but no one has consistenly carried the team's water. I think the lineup is impressive: Freel, Aurilia, Griffey, Dunn, Hatteberg, Phillips and Encarnacion are solid individually and frightening in order. But they have been so streaky that only a few have posed a threat at any one time. We need them all to hit at the same time over the long haul if they're going to get to the playoffs.

Enough ranting. For now.

I will say, though, that I had a much better baseball experience last night with Andy (and familial entourage) at the Bowie Baysox game. AA ball is not particularly refined, but a good time was had by all. Indeed, the first thing that Reed said to me this morning was, "Daddy, I went to a baseball game."

Now playing: "You Go to My Head," Tony Bennett on Perfectly Frank
Now reading: The Privilege of the Sword. I really like this, especially how Kushner plays with your expectations. Not heavy reading, but a real pleasure.

Metro

How many metros have you been on? (I love this.)

Got at b3co.com!

via PNH

Now playing: "Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress," The Hollies

A 21-letter word: twentieth-century music

The Washington Post's Tim Page has prepared a primer on 20th-century classical music, complete with suggested recordings. Not many things to gripe about really: I've never heard of Allan Pettersson, and Page (noted Rachmaninoff disparager, evidence of which I would link to here, but the Post, like the NYT wants you to pay for "archived" material) leaves off Rachmaninoff completely, probably because his music is more Romantic than 20th-century. But on the whole, the list is reasoned and balanced, with some nice recordings that are actually available.

But I find that I am bothered by the confluence of sound and music. I don't know what the answer to this should be, and I, like many a music student, struggled with these things when I first heard them in college. My immediate reaction to music by Berg and Boulez was something akin to "oh-my-god-that-is-total-crap," and my reaction was even stronger to more experimental things like electronica (Babbitt and Stockhausen are on the list) and, if you will, mathematica (Webern, who is not on the list).

I recognize the inherent musicality of the mundane: the rhythmic dripping of the kitchen sink, the melody of broken speech overheard at a distance. I'm just not interested in listening to it.

Is it unique? Certainly--which explains much of its appeal, especially when such esoterica first appeared in the musical world after centuries of tonic-dominant relationships.

Is it musical? This is arguable, but I would allow that it can be, though not necessarily.

Is it off-putting? That depends on your expectations, but on the whole I think it is--which also explains much of its appeal, especially to an intellectual elite that uses such music as a shibboleth to identify those who "get it" and those who don't. (In Page's profile of Babbitt, he softens the composer's polemic "Who Cares if You Listen?" by pointing out that an editor chose the title, not Babbitt. Which is fine, but it doesn't change what Babbitt said in the essay about the role of the composer.)

The problem I have with much of this music is perhaps ironically the very problem that led to its composition. There are only so many things you can write for prepared piano before they all begin to sound the same. This is also the case with truly atonal music, minimalist pieces for few instruments and many of the recording-loop, tape-trick pieces. Throughout history, composers have felt such pressures and constantly expanded their vocabulary to find new voices. It seems to me even now that many of these voices are deliberately grating or incomprehensible.

There may indeed be music this very moment in the rhythmic rattle of my fingers on the the keyboard, accompanied by the low hum of my computer. But I have made no investment in its creation, and would not expect anyone to invest anything, time or money, to hear it.

Now playing: Rachmaninoff, Piano Concerto No. 3; Vladimir Horowitz, New York Philharmonic under Eugene Ormandy. (Take that, Tim Page!)

Guess who

Two teams--and only two teams--in the National League have winning records at home AND on the road. One is the team that has run away with its division and is the hands-down favorite to be the NL's sacrificial lamb for the World Series: the Mets.

The other is the Reds.

#9?

Glenn Roeder has responded to my query: Obafemi Martins. Young, solid contributor to Inter Milan's first/second place Serie A finish. Fast. Lots of potential. It would still be nice to have someone else on attack so that Duff and Dyer can stay in the middle.

But #9? The shirt is barely cold off Alan Shearer's back. I guess we'll have to wait and see how this plays out.

And while I'm on football, I must say that Trent's warning (see comments) about having a defender from a recently promoted club on my fantasy team is right on: I'm just asking for it. And I've got two (Chris Morgan of Sheffield United and Lloyd Doyley of Watford). I'll probably have to spend a transfer there soon before things get too out of hand. They were cheap, but as with many things, you get what you pay for.

Thoughts on Lawrence Block

Like many an aspiring fiction writer, I am quite taken with Lawrence Block's Telling Lies for Fun & Profit--which, if nothing else, is a great title. But until recently I had never read any of Block's fiction. I just finished Burglars Can't Be Choosers, one of Block's first novels, and really enjoyed it.

But.

Block does so many things well here that the bits that nagged at me really stand out. First, the main character, Bernie Rhodenbarr, is delightfully realized. It helps that he is an uncompromising smart ass, but he is also resourceful, practical and competent--as well as being fully capable of fear, petty grievance and ill-advised indulgence. In other words, he seems like a real person.

Second, the New York Bernie lives in no longer exists, and the age shows in the novel (written in 1977). But I liked it. For me it was sort of nostalgic to read about people actually dialing a telephone or watching old movies late at night on TV, when that was the only thing on.

Third, Rhodenbarr is smart enough to piece together the mystery in this book, but Block is careful to put everything Bernie needs to solve the puzzle in his head from the get-go. Bernie is saved in the story by his own burglars' wits, using what he knows about what he does to figure out who did the deed. Never does a random clue ex machina swoop in to give him the answer, and for that I am grateful.

But Block is too clever by half. He gives Bernie everything he needs, but in order to tie up the rest of the subplots, he has to rely on coincidence. Big time. So much so that it makes the last bit almost too much to swallow. I don't know: maybe that makes it more realistic in a way. Like it or not, coincidence does play an immutable part in life. But that's not why I read mysteries, and its presence here is off-putting. Block also has Bernie play some interesting word games with himself that--while amusing to a writerly type like myself--aren't really in character.

Still, I liked Bernie and Block both enough to want to read more. The books are easily digestable and at times a real hoot. An example: part of the story hinges on a busted job where Bernie tried to knock over an apartment while the owner was at home. Bernie tried to bribe his way out, but the gun-brandishing homeowner was also the president of a civic organization that wanted tougher penalties and prosecutions for petty criminals. As Bernie says, "It was like trying to bribe a rabbi with a ham sandwich."

Recommended

Now playing: Giovanni Gabrieli, Canzon per sonar septimi et octavi toni 12, Canadian Brass

Finally, something we can agree on

The Sportsline folks have earned my ire in recent weeks with their disdain for the Reds. Today, though, they introduced the nail to the hammer:

We are continuously tempted to throw dirt on them and declare their playoff hopes a pipe dream. But there's not a team in the NL that wants it, or is capable of taking it from them.

Now reading: The Privilege of the Sword, Ellen Kushner.

Newcastle 2, Wigan 1

If you can stand the bouncing camera, check out this video of Shola Ameobi's winner against Wigan, taken by Geordies right behind the goal.



AND I reached my word-count goal for 2006 today, ending the day with 182,786 words--an average of about 788 words per day. Of course, I'm still about 1,000 words from finishing up my latest short-fiction effort. Go figure.

Food thoughts

Verdict on Wendy's Vanilla Frosty: bad soft serve in a cup

Foods unlikely to be marketed together but seen on shevles next to each other anyway: Grey Poupon and Spam


Now playing: "Beautiful Love," Bill Evans

More proof

So not only can women kick your ass and blast you to smithereens with their helicopters, but they are also now in charge of Mountain Dew and Fritos. You've been warned.

Today's short stories: "Flotsam," Amanda Downum in Strange Horizons; "Senora Suerte," Tananarive Due in F&SF.

Over there and chain reactions

People going into football clubs on the expectation of making large amounts of money are basically fools.--Rogan Taylor, Football Industry Unit, Liverpool University

Seems that another American has himself an English football club, via Bloomberg. Wonder how that $120 million price tag will look if Aston Villa are relegated next year.

This reminded me of something I noticed last week: financial chain reactions. In this case, Mr. Lerner, owner of the Cleveland Browns and now Aston Villa, was the chairman of MBNA, the credit-card folks. MBNA was recently purchased by Bank of America at a shiny premium, which no doubt helped Mr. Lerner plant his sports empire's flag on English soil.

In another case, Bono was one of twelve private-equity partners to buy a stake in the Forbes publishing empire. Who knew that when you bought The Joshua Tree on CD after you had it on vinyl (or cassette!) that you'd be lining Steve Forbes' pockets?

Tales of the iPod

So I've been listening to Lera's iPod a good bit recently. Her music choices are, shall we say, different from mine, but I find plenty to like on there. Here is what the iPod says are my most frequently played tracks. PLEASE remember that my choices are limited to what my lovely wife put on there.

1. "Beginnings," Chicago
2. "Heartbreatker," Pat Benatar
3. "A View to a Kill," Duran Duran
4. "Make Me Smile," Chicago
5. "Renegade," Styx
   
6. "Wing-Stock," Ashley MacIsaac
7. "Carry On My Wayward Son," Kansas
8. "Everybody Wants to Rule the World," Tears for Fears
9. "That's All," Genesis
10. "Hello, Dolly," Frank Sinatra with Count Basie

Now playing: Borodin, Overture to Prince Igor; London Philharmonic, Loris Tjeknavorian
Now reading: Eleanor of Aquitaine; The Fantasy Writer's Assistant, Jeff Ford

New toy

The NYT has this new way of looking at the stock market. The interactive graph will plot a company's stock performance vs. the S&P 500 Index over both the past year and the past week. While I'm not sure that this information is particularly useful, the tool is a lot of fun to play with.

Now playing: "I'm Old Fashioned," John Coltrane from Blue Train
Now reading: Eleanor of Aquitaine; Plotting and Writing Suspense Fiction, Patricia Highsmith

US vs. the World

UPDATE, 8/12: Read Trent's lengthy comment for a great overview of club-level football around the world.

I hijacked Trent's blog with this, so I thought I'd move it over here.

Much has been made in the U.S. media (those outlets that even noticed) about the recent victories by US teams over the likes of Chelsea and Real Madrid. U.S. writers herald increasing parity between U.S. and world soccer, while international writers shrug their shoulders indifferently. I think it’s kind of cool that U.S. teams have done well, but I also realize that their competition may not be particularly focused or intense this time of year for a friendly match on the other side of the world. Thoughts?

Marlins 9, Nationals 6

Went to the Nationals game last night. Some thoughts:

• The fact that Alfonso Soriano is not on a team contending for the playoffs is a black hole in baseball, a limitless void of what if. We were seated in the upper deck in left, and when he hit his home run the thing went so high in the air that I scanned the field for a moment wondering where the ball was because I couldn't see it. And his outfield assist was probably the defensive highlight of the Nationals' season.
• Complain as you will, Reds fans, but Austin Kearns is not exactly tearing it up in his new home. 1-for-5 with 7 left on base. SEVEN. There is little a team with a bullpen as sieve-like as the Nationals' can do, but any one of those SEVEN runners coming home would have made a huge difference in the game.
• Thomas Jefferson won the President Race (think the Milwaukee Sausage Race, but with the presidents from Mount Rushmore). Interestingly, Teddy Roosevelt has yet to win a single President Race this year. The other three, Lincoln, Washington and Jefferson, each have three wins.

Don't bother the coal

Great frustration recently about the progress I've not been making on my various fiction projects. As I have written previously, lots of words written this year (last count was over 173,000), but nothing finished, polished or otherwise done cooking. In fact, several projects seem to cry out for abandonment or explosives.

Now I'm not one for inspirational quotations, but this really got me going today.

A diamond is a piece of coal that stuck to the job.--Thomas Edison

Several things to remember, and I confess them into the ether of the Internet more for my own benefit than anyone else's:

1. I am not a good critic of my own writing. A good reviser/editor, perhaps, but not a good critic. My gut reaction to much of what I write is a knee-jerk "you-can't-let-other-humans-read-that-or-they'll-go-blind." This is inherently not true. My writing does not cause blindness. Not even in lab mice.
2. The main difference between people who have published novels and those who have not is that the people with the published novels finished theirs. After that it's just story and characterization and all that. But few people want to buy a novel with no ending.
3. It doesn't have to be good the first time.

Now playing: "You Make Me," Weird Al Yankovic from Even Worse

Worth a thousand words

I don't have anything to add here about Trade-gate between the Reds and Nationals (but all of the Cincinnati papers have spent lots of time on it, and J has a good assessment of what it means for Reds GM Wayne Krivsky).

I do want to point out something I've noticed about the coverage of Bowden in the Cincinnati papers. Look at this page. There is a picture of Krivksy down the page a bit above a picture of Bowden. The Krivsky picture is from spring training. The picture of Bowden is his mug shot from his DWI arrest in Florida earlier this year.

No hard feelings there.

On a more positive note, another photo worth a thousand words, this of David Ross and the crowd admiring his 422-foot home run to win the game in the bottom of the ninth.

Thoughts on Midnighters #3

I bought Scott Westerfeld's Midnighters #3: Blue Noon back when it came out in March because I'm just that way, but I didn't get down to reading it until last week.

(An aside: that was stupid. Why wait so long? The damn thing only took two days to read, and only that long because I didn't have to wait in the doctor's office as long as I anticipated. So go on and get the three books and read them, back to back to back, if you've not already. If you start now you can be done by Monday.)

Holy wow, Batman. What a good book.

Westerfeld took a darker turn in Midnighters #2 and accelerated down that path in this volume. Beyond just a ripping good tale, he explores the rugged terrain of fear, power and their uses, while drawing together disparate plot points from the previous books that tie up the series satisfyingly. He does, however, leave just enough hanging and unresolved at the end to give it a genuine feel--including the bitter twist at the end.

I note with both trepidation and excitement that Westerfeld seems to have deliberately left the door open for future Midnighters stories. I hope that he won't become a victim of the "genre-series-that-never-die" syndrome, but given the results of these three books, I'll certainly give a chance to whatever he puts out next.

Highly recommended: GOOD ENOUGH TO BUY

Now playing: "Overjoyed," U.S. Navy Commodores
Now reading: Eleanor of Aquitaine: A Life, Alison Weir

Today's sport thoughts

Two things about the Reds. First, I still like the trade for Bray and Majewski in that I get what Krivsky was doing and think it was the right thing to do. Bray will be fine and, hopefully, a fixture in Cincinnati for a long time. Majewski has been totally wheels off, though, which makes Jim Bowden look like a genius. That irks me more than anything.

Second, the Reds just aren't very good. They have a legitimate shot at the wild card, and maybe if the pitching past Harang, Arroyo, Guardado, Coffey and Bray wasn't so suspect, I'd be singing a different tune. But they don't have the winner's killer instinct--at least not yet. They should have put that game away against the Braves on Sunday, but they couldn't bring in any runs with the bases loaded. They seem to have given up on stealing bases, and Jerry Narron seems to undermine the team with his Shuffle-Matic lineups.

I want them to do well, but I'm skeptical.


When Dallas signed Terrell Owens, Andy vowed never to cheer for America's Team again. I don't blame him. At the time, he solicited suggestions for a new team. I advised the resurgent Bengals, who had a great season brought to an unfortunate end by Carson Palmer's knee. I hold out hope for the Bengals continued success (although if Palmer can't come back immediately, Anthony Wright is barely passable as a replacement), but it seems that the team, with its recent run-ins with the law in several states, is becoming populated with thugs. I don't know if this is just extraordinary bad luck or extraordinary poor scouting, but I don't want my son to see me cheering for a team that is constantly in the headlines for player arrests.

Glenn Roeder
Newcastle United Football Club
St. James' Park
Newcastle-upon-Tyne NE1 4ST

Dear Mr. Roeder:

Got striker?

Best regards,
John League

Gourd: A Visual Guide to Usage

For those of you who enjoyed the bourbon visual guide, behold another public service.

This is a gourd.


















They can be used to make drums...















...and politicians.
















There's also this, which is something else again.

Five-Question Interview

Look: another blog item stolen from Trent.

Here’s the five questions meme. Here’s how it works:

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your journal with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Here’s what Trent asked me.

1) What are your kids’ names and how did you come up with them? (the names, not the kids—I can guess that part)

We had two goals in mind when we chose names: they should be relatively unusual so that there wouldn’t be 10 kids their age all named similarly (like Jennifers and Jasons when we were growing up) and they should relate in some way to our family. We were limited further by the students that we had when we taught—some names were ruined forever.

Reed is Lera’s maiden name. His middle name is also Lera’s grandfather’s middle name. Madeleine was a compromise after long deliberation over Tessa or Abigail, none of which are family names, but are relatively uncommon. Madeleine’s middle name is the name of my late great aunt, who died about three weeks after Reed was born.

2) What character in the Star Wars movies do you feel is most like you, and why?

Despite what my Blogger picture suggests, I am not Obi-Wan Kenobi. I could not wait on the edge of the desert for twenty years for destiny to come knocking on my door. Nor could I have tolerated Hayden Christiansen’s/Anakin Skywalker’s constant whining hubris.

But I’m not daring like Han Solo or as naively noble as Luke. I’m probably more along the lines of Wedge Antilles. He’s the only person to survive both attacks on the Death Star, which suggests a certain degree of competence. It also suggests that he was in the right place at the right time, which has certainly benefited me in my career. He’s also the only pilot to have been a bit overwhelmed by the whole Death Star situation: “Look at the size of that thing.” I know the feeling.

3) If you could wipe any song off the face of the map so it never existed and would never exist in the future, i.e. completely removed from human existence and memory, what would it be and why?

“Sussudio,” Phil Collins

There are lots of songs worthy of this obliteration, but this one I just can’t stand. It doesn’t even make much sense. Phil Collins has said that his songs are deliberately open to interpretation; I think that means that he doesn’t really even know what they’re about, just that they rhyme.

4) Who is your all-time favorite teacher, and why?

Rick Moreno was one of my band directors in middle and high school. Rick wanted everyone to enjoy band, but he wanted even more for them to be competent musicians. Lots of teachers, but especially band directors, think that having fun in band is the same as playing tunes that students like and letting them run wild otherwise. (They teach you that in music education classes, right Andy?) Rick knew what band was about: learning to love music. He broadened my musical horizons to include Mahler, Bruckner, Basie, Joe Williams and Diane Schuur. He also loved a good joke, a great pun and the delightfully weird. I was very fortunate that Rick was my teacher and that he became a good friend.

5) Where do your ancestors hail from and how much do you know about them?

Many of my forebears are of Germanic descent (though my mother’s family name, Kruschwitz, is borne by a tiny village in Poland, Kruswica). On her father’s side, the family emigrated from the rural area around Leipzig in 1898. They settled in Ohio, where my great grandfather was a German Methodist minister. They eventually settled outside Detroit. On the other side, the family came a bit earlier to the U.S., the Germans intermarrying with the local Scotch-Irish-Anglo mutts off and on, also in Ohio.

I realize as I write this that I know little about my father’s family, except that they are probably some kind of Scotch-Irish-Anglo mutt like most the people with whom I grew up. I’ll have to find out, but I think that there is little known about the family beyond my great-grandfather.

Not for me

Brooke Astor is 104.

I don't think I'd want to be that old. That seems like a stupid thing to say, but I keep thinking of one thing: all the people who experienced the formative things that you did would be gone. For Mrs. Astor, formative years were spent during the 1920s. When she was my age, the Depression was new. Herbert Hoover was president. My grandfather was nine years old.

I guess that begs the question: what is formative? To survive the kind of mental and emotional dissonance that my worries over such isolation would cause, one would have to be open continually to formative experiences. Learning new people, sharing experiences, adapting to technology. I think by the time I'm 104 I'll be through with most of that.